A Warmer Way to Bring Limits

Set boundaries while boosting your connection with your kids!

Warm limits are a humanistic way of relating to your children that require no discipline whatsoever, whether it’s positive or negative. And yes, there are methods of “positive” discipline, such as “ time in”  (instead of time out) or “ Natural Consequences”. Whatever the case, this kind of disciplinary or consequential reaction is not necessary because it’s simply not effective.

Children are not connected to their “thinking brains” when their behaviour gets off track. So disciplining, correcting or trying other controlling methods in response to their off-track behaviour just isn’t helpful when a child can’t think.

Instead, learning to set warm or playful limits at appropriate times is a much better route.

It's the KEY to doing things differently than our parents!

So, what can warm or playful limits look like?

It’s all about LISTEN, LIMIT, LISTEN

The first “listen” is about assessing yourself, your child, and the situation. Observe the scenario: How is your child? Are they off track? Are they missing something? Is clarification required? Are they behaving age-appropriately? Is their behaviour an appropriate expectation? Next, As yourself, Do I have the emotional capacity to set and keep a limit, knowing that my children may have an emotional upset, and listening to that upset will be required? If the answer is “ yes” then how will you set the limit? Playfully or with warmth? If the answer is “ no”, then what workaround are you going to use (occupying your child) so you can get some emotional space and come back to the need for the limit when it resurfaces?

The “limit” means bringing your body physically close to your child and verbally saying the limit in less than ten words. Limits can be set with warmth or playfully. Warm limits can sound like, “ Oh, no, sweetheart, I can’t let you do that,” or “ I can’t let you have another cookie,” or “I know you wanted to watch another show,” or “I’m sorry it’s hard right now, but it’s time to go.” Playful limits can be set by using silly voices, acting like you are goofy and aloof, pretending you are the child, or using mock threats like, “Uh oh, I’m going to give you a million kisses!”

The last “listen” happens as a result of setting the warm or playful limit when emotions may arise, and you stay and listen to their emotional release and repeat the process of listen, limit, listen until your child is done feeling their emotions, or you can’t listen anymore - at which point you would use a workaround and distract your child as necessary until you gain the emotional space to listen to their emotions again.  

Here is LISTEN, LIMIT, LIMIT in action

It’s dinnertime and I was just coming down from being upstairs journaling and my husband is in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I was met with my son (5 years old at the time) yelling at the bottom of the stairs at me with his arms crossed over his check, “Daddy is making me eat the same thing that we ate for dinner last night for dinner tonight Mom. It's chickpeas and rice. I don't want to eat it because I don't like it!”. 

I said, “Oh sweetie, that must be hard having to eat the same thing for dinner again” as I walked down the stairs. I knew that he liked chickpeas and rice, it was just not in the format he was used to, mixed.  

“ I am not going to eat it” and stormed down the hall. 

He walked over to the table and looked inside of his bowl “Yuk, I am not eating that, I want to eat something else” and he pushed the bowl off of his place-mat.

My husband and I had talked about working on expanding our son's ability to eat a variety of foods. Knowing this and seeing my son did not want to eat his dinner, I checked in with myself to see if I had the emotional capacity to set a warm limit knowing that feelings could bubble up. 

I had the emotional capacity to listen and decided to set a warm limit. 

Walking up and standing beside him I said “ Sweetpea we are all having chickpeas and rice for dinner” 

My son replied by shaking his head and sticking out his tongue walking away from the table. He grabbed a banana saying “Well I am just going to eat a banana”.  I calmly put my hand on the banana and stated the limit again that he wasn’t going to eat something else and that dinner with chickpeas and rice. My son pulled on it for a moment, then let the banana go and grabbed his cookbook.

A moment later, my son was flipping through his kid's cookbook quickly looking for something to make while saying “It's not fair, you guys never make what I like. I want to make something different”.  

I got up from the table, put my hand on the cookbook, looked my son in the eyes, and said, “Sweetpea, you aren’t making something else for dinner; we are all having chickpeas and rice and it's time to go back to the table.”  

My son stood up and let out a big scream and his face was red: “You guys never let me do what I want.” I was standing next to him and listening.  I noticed my heart ping a big and a memory of being forced to eat something for dinner when I was a child or eat nothing at all, without having my feelings listened to.  I took a mental note of this trigger to explore in listen time later, coming back to the present and being with my son. Then, like magic, something shifted. My son seemed more open. His shoulders weren’t all slumped. and eyebrows crossed.  My son now looked relaxed and said, “Oh, okay, fine, I will eat it, but I still don’t like it” with a smile on his face.

Moments later we were all sitting at the dinner table enjoying our chickpeas and rice.  My son told us jokes and laughed taking big spoons full of his dinner with no fuss. He ate the entire bowl. 

After dinner, we all cleaned up together, put on our pyjamas, brushed our teeth, and enjoyed a special family time before bed. My son was very joyful and told us funny stories about the cat videos he had watched on YouTube in the past. We all had a good time connecting as a family.

This warm limit allowed me to help my son eat a larger variety of foods by creating space for him to express himself.  It also allowed me a reminder to explore my childhood emotional wounds from my upbringing about having to eat certain foods - or have nothing for dinner later.

The KEY is continually re-parenting yourself.

Feeding the foundation to being able to bring a warm or playful limits takes time. It doesn’t come naturally for those of us who were raised in control based environments.

Having healthy limits and opportunities to make sense of those healthy limits is a vital component that allows children space to make sense of their life experiences and unpack their emotional baggage. Think about what your parent’s limits and discipline were like growing up. 

Can you remember how they approached setting them? 

Did they offer you space to listen to your feelings after a limit was set? 

How do you set limits now with your children? Do you see any similarities from your childhood?

You are enough

Don’t worry your child is smart. If you can’t set, hold a warm or playful limit or have to stop their emotions before they are done because you don’t have the emotional capacity that is OK.

You can trust that your child will find other opportunities in their daily lives to offload stress and emotional pain. 

Emotional Connection parenting isn’t about being perfect and always pouring in connection.  

We are human and that isn’t possible. 

You can trust that what you can offer your children is more than enough!

Peace & Love

Julie